THE REBIRTH OF MY FEMININE HEART
Author’s note: we at WFWP are hoping to incorporate a series of articles about relationships, and I hope you enjoy my debut relationship article! I look forward to sharing more about what I learn on this transformative and uplifting journey.
A new year has begun, and I’m grateful that the start of 2018 means the start of a new chapter in my personal life: I am engaged! My fiancé and I had been friends for three years, during which we’d shared a church community and friend group, and then last August, we decided to begin a process similar to courtship. According the faith tradition in which we were both raised, we spent several months communicating and getting to know each other before holding a ceremony with both of our families to declare our commitment and intention to marry. We have been intentional as we developed our relationship, by expressing concerns and fears as they arose and communicating consistently and honestly. We hope to be married later this year, which is exhilarating to think about!
I have undergone quite a change even in the past few months, thanks to our relationship. Before we started communicating, I spent several years trying to find a man whom I could love and who could love me. I invested months in potential relationships with four different guys, and as each relationship ended, I felt more and more pain in my heart. I was living under the shadow of fears and worries: would I ever love someone? Could someone ever love me? Will I ever marry, or will I die alone? I would say that I developed some level of depression during that time of searching, although I never received a formal diagnosis. Now, I am more optimistic and joyful, which are qualities that defined my spirit when I was younger and that I have recently rediscovered.
Apparently, my transformation is even visible to those who know me. My friend, who has studied Eastern philosophy and martial arts, recently told me that he senses a change in my energy, which is innately influenced by feminine energy (open, receiving, and soft), but at some point in my life became more masculine (closed, pushing, and hard), and now, however, it has reverted back to feminine because my fiancé’s love for me has changed and softened my heart. I was moved to tears by this simple yet profound observation of my life’s trajectory.That time of more masculine energy was when I was single and alone, and I hid my emotions so no one would know the hurt I was experiencing. In that time, I also did not believe myself to be beautiful.
However, since beginning this relationship, I have not only reconnected with a happiness I had felt earlier in my life, but I also have discovered new realms of my being: I feel a tenderness in my heart I had never before known, which inspires me to invest more deeply in my other relationships. His love has helped me build more confidence in myself and my own beauty. I am at peace with who I am and my place in the world. I have been reminded of how wonderful it is to share joy with others through smiling, hugging, and laughing.
Looking forward to the rest of this year, my soul is buoyed by a rediscovery of my own joy and optimism, and, for the first time in my life, by a surge of romantic love. Many wonderful new experiences are coming my way, including getting married, moving in together, and learning new lessons along the way. I know that challenges will come, too, but I believe that if we continue our good habits of communication and honesty, we will continue to handle them gracefully as they arise. This for me has been a warm and welcome reminder that even in the most difficult times, something beautiful can still come, and the best thing to do is stay hopeful.